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• August 27, 2010
• 7:00

  Guru's Friday workplace funnies

   » ‎ Guru
  The top workplace stories of the week, as chosen by Yours Truly:
  

  1. Employees finally get paid after 15 years' work
     
  2. Malaysian civil servants punished for pre-marital sex
     
  3. Worker hid mobile phone in toilet ceiling to film female colleagues
  4. Attractive people more likely to succeed in their career
     
  5. Employee fairly sacked for rubbing plate of toast on his line manager's head

  Have a wonderful Bank Holiday weekend everyone.
  
  
• August 20, 2010
• 7:30

  Guru's Friday workplace funnies

   » ‎ Guru
  Here are Guru's links to the top workplace stories of the week.
  

  1. Office worker accused of ejaculating into colleague's drink
  2. X Factor contestant faces the sack after pulling sickie to appear on show
  3. German students studying for sausage degree
     
  4. Station guard's 'megaphone shouts waking residents at 6am'
     
  5. Factory bosses docking workers' wages every time they go to the toilet

  Enjoy the weekend disciples.
  
  
• August 13, 2010
• 6:51

  Guru's Friday workplace funnies

   » ‎ Guru
  Here are Guru's links to the top stories of the week
  

  1. Shark-tagging and koala catching among jobs on offer to Brits by Oz officials
     
  2. Council road workers paint yellow lines over dead hedgehog
     
  3. Air steward quits job via emergency slide
     
  4. Civil servants spend cash on day trips, massages and luxury hotels
     
  5. EastEnders' pub Queen Vic voted 'best place to work'

  Have a great weekend everyone.
  
  
• August 06, 2010
• 7:15

  Guru's Friday workplace funnies

   » ‎ Guru
  Guru's links to the funniest stories of the week.
  

  1. Factory workers top poll of UK's 'randiest employees'
     
  2. Jazz dancing benefits cheat escapes jail
     
  3. School bus crashes after vomiting driver falls out
  4. Council workers killing weeds set shop on fire
     
  5. 'Dull' IT lessons putting children off career in computing
     

  Have a great weekend disciples.
  
  
• July 16, 2010
• 6:17

  Guru's Friday workplace funnies

   » ‎ Guru
  Here are Guru's top stories of the week. Enjoy!
  

  1. Policeman sacked for opening bottle of beer with penis
  2. German copper wins extra weeks' holiday for time spent dressing
     
  3. Payroll assistant sentenced to two years in prison after claiming dead man's expenses
  4. Majority of British workers would like to be an astronaut
     
  5. Workmen paint white lines around dead badger on road
     

  Have a great weekend disciples.
  
  
• June 29, 2010
• 5:23

  Dangerous job no. 745: compost heap worker

   » ‎ Guru

  There are jobs that are obviously dangerous - fireman, police officer, underperforming England footballer. And then there are those less dangerous. Guru was bemused to read, in Irish paper The Connacht Sentinel, of composting plant workers forced away from their pungent workplace by threatened physical violence.

  Why were they threatened? Did neighbours take offence at the stench issuing from the plant? No. Did fellow public transport users take exception to the whiff of the staff? No. Did climate change sceptics object to the very notion of composting? No.

  Bizarrely (possibly less so to Guru's Irish disciples), the threats were prompted by the Council's decision to remove horses from the old landfill site next to the composting plant. The owners of the illegally grazing horses weren't happy and made their feelings clear to the compost workers.  No doubt fearful for their lives, they took a week off work to cower at home - presumably in front of TVs showing the World Cup - before tiptoeing back to the plant yesterday.

  No mention of the impounded horses, although disciples holidaying in Galway any time soon might be wise to go for the vegetarian option when dining out.

• June 24, 2010
• 8:59

  Police bend rules for baldy recruit

   » ‎ Guru

  PSNI - the Police Service of Northern Ireland - takes accusations of discrimination more seriously than most. For obvious reasons. But rather than the usual tired old religion line, the latest accusations have centred on hairlessness. A pleasant change unless you're the baldy involved.

  A recent applicant was progressing quite happily through the recruitment process until asked to submit his hair for drugs testing. Unable to provide hairs of up to 3cm in length - or even the alternative 200 body hairs - his application was suddenly and unceremoniously rejected.

  He may be bald, but there are no flies on this man. He launched judicial review proceedings, claimed the PSNI's decision to reject him was 'irrational and discriminatory'. Not to mention (which he didn't) 'baldy'.

  The case opened in the High Court yesterday, with PSNI lawyers already admitting the claimant would be reinstated in the application process. The force will also amend its application process to facilitate analysis of DNA from other sources.

  Good on him, says Guru, who is - in case you hadn't noticed - similarly follically challenged. All power to the baldies ...

• June 18, 2010
• 4:13

  Pygmy visits factory

   » ‎ Guru

  For short French president Nicolas Sarkozy - he of the stacked heels and bouffant hair - height is evidently more of a sore point than hitherto thought.

  Already accused of refusing to stand next to tall people (in other words anyone over his 5ft 5ins) on TV, Sarkozy's latest move involved sending staff ahead to a factory he is due to visit to 'whittle out the tall ones'.

  Sarkozy is scheduled to visit the Turbomeca aeronautics factory near Toulouse on June 22. Preparations have been underway for some time, and Guru was amused to hear that tall staff are not to be allowed to stand near him. A Turbomeca engineer told local paper La Republique des Pyrenees: "I am almost six feet tall and I was told I was not to be allowed near the official reception group".

  According to the paper "It seems people at the factory decided it was better to yield to the president's wishes than face exile to the land of the pygmies".

  Let it be noted - Guru, often accused of being less than charitable about his frog-eating cousins - loves French newspapers ... 

• June 17, 2010
• 4:49

  There's always a place for good manners

   » ‎ Guru

  While it's often said that Britain is broken, going to hell in a handcart, etc, Guru - the eternal optimist - will always insist it isn't so. And here's the latest evidence.

  Thirty-five year old unemployed labourer Lee Dixon left his fingerprints at the sites of more than 100 break-ins across rural England. So far, so broken Britain.

  But according to the courts Dixon is a 'gentleman, Raffles-style' burglar, keeping damage to a minimum, and even washing the dishes at some of the homes he burgled.

  That's just the kind of good old-fashioned manners Guru likes to see. Broken Britain? Whatever next?

   

• June 16, 2010
• 7:05

  Sexy high heels lessons to bridge skills gap

   » ‎ Guru

  Let it never be said the education sector is ignoring the constant bleating of employers tired of the lack of skills among would-be employees. South Thames College, possibly London's most forward-thinking educator, has introduced courses in how to walk in stilettos. An extra curricular course, 'Sexy Heels in the City', was taken by five students aged between 16 and 50-plus, all no doubt looking to further their careers - in which fields we are yet to hear.

  A college spokesperson said the course improved students' confidence. It certainly got the thumbs up from student Celina Mystery (no, Guru did not make that up), who said: "I no longer feel pain on a night out because I know what exercises to do beforehand. Now I can finally rock my heels."

  Needless to say, the Taxpayers' Alliance is up in arms over the cost of the course (£750 paid to singer China Whyne - Guru did not make up her name, either). But employers shouldn't despair - as disciple Sue pointed out, they should be grateful. She reckons the number of sick days caused by high heel-related accidents should plummet - no pun intended.